As Promised

Oh, a little cuddletime this morning... so fun! I was determined to show Michael how I could make Phoebe laugh, because making her laugh is like, this little game we all have. Who can make Phoebe laugh in a new way today? And it's always new, because what makes her laugh one day might not make her laugh the next day... like she has selective humor or something. Anyway, yesterday I got her to giggle by "airplaning" her down to my face... but it didn't make her laugh today. But it made me laugh, and I totally enjoyed having this little cutie on my tummy. Which is why I am posting an unretouched, makeup-free, early-morning picture of the two of us. I love this little girl, more than I ever thought possible. Seriously.

Yesterday was hard. I mean, according to Michael, two out of three ain't bad. And I had a fun morning -- so that's one part of the day. Phoebs and I went to get her food mill and strawberry cake, and then had some time left in her "nap" so we went and mall-walked two miles. Walking is so much fun when you can window shop in A/C! We also bought Michael some new jeans, because at least one of us has lost our baby weight (actually, we both have...he's just lost extra!), and he has to cinch up all of his jeans to make them fit at all. And last night was good too! Baby food was fabulous, and I got my Edgar's strawberry cake (did I say my? I meant Phoebe's...). Phoebe also went to bed on time, and slept well, and I got to read my new library find from 8 until midnight. So that part was good. It was just the middle part of the day where I was frustrated, feeling inadequate, and not quite sure what to do.

I think I had delusions that motherhood would be really easy. And that I'd have my ideals and read my books and follow the steps and BAM. Everything would work out. And the truth is, I have a healthy, happy, lovely five-month-old. But I suppose I'm still learning that she isn't going to be as described in the book. She's a person, not an ideal. And that's hard for me... I told Michael the other night that it's so hard not having a "progress report". That I do the best I know how to do, pray that I'm parenting in a way that God would find desirable, and trust that He is sovereign -- that she will turn out fine, no matter how badly I screw up. But that's easy to say in your head, but not necessarily to live it out. Anyway, after an emotional breakdown yesterday, I'm praying today that the Lord will give me opportunities to just delight -- to have fun, and not so much worry about how disciplined Phoebe is, or if her schedule is right, if she's eaten enough, whatever. She is a precious little gift, and she's growing up way too fast. I just want to have fun... so that's what we're trying to do! And I think this morning got us off to a great start.

Since it's Phoebe's five-month-day (yesterday), I suppose I should update on all of her new favorites: she loves sitting up in her bumbo (and is trying really hard to sit up on her own), tasting new foods, putting anything she can in her mouth, grabbing for things she wants with great skill, exploring everything... what isn't she doing would be a better question! It amazes me how fast she's growing...

...and also how fast naptime goes! Gotta get the laundry in!