Saturday, January 2, 2010

Letting Go

The other night, I had a come-apart. You know the kind: ugly cry, quivering lip, and totally out of control, thanks to the insane amount of hormones running through my body right now. I think it was brought on by a funny tone in Michael's voice, or something equally significant.

The last several weeks have been, quite frankly, overwhelming. I mentioned earlier that my back was starting to bother me. Something about three babies in three years? Since then, I've started twice-weekly physical therapy to strengthen my out-of-whack hip joint. I'm still in nearly constant pain, but I'm starting to feel some occasional relief -- which is, well, a relief. I also discovered at my last check-up that I was anemic, which explained the first-trimester exhaustion I was feeling. And on top of all that, I've been battling a nasty cold (which appears to be turning into a sinus infection) for over a week now.

So I reached a breaking point. Things have been less than normal, but I've been trying to carry on as if everything was fine. Instead of shifting into survival mode, me and my big prideful self have been trying to be supermom. (I think sometime last week I rattled off something to Michael about planning curriculum for Phoebe? She's two-and-a-half. Seriously, Sarah?) And in pretending nothing was wrong, I earned myself a heaping helping of burnout.

Michael informed me that it was time to do some letting go. We started analyzing things that I was doing that were causing my physical pain, as well as things that were taking too much energy - both mental and physical. I'm having to shift myself into survival mode about ten weeks earlier than I'd planned, and it's hard. I hate being out of control, and my pride takes a hit every time I set out paper plates for dinner and have to ask for help unloading the dishwasher.

Oh, how confident I am in my own strength! But the Lord says to me, as he said to Paul in 2 Corinthians,

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9

In my self-sufficient, carefully orchestrated days, I so often remove my own need for supernatural power. If I can handle things on my own, what need do I have for grace? As I continue to let go over these next several weeks, I am so thankful for sufficient grace!


Kristie Truell said...

Wow! What a wonderful testimony to admitting weakness and resting in God's strength. I personally tend to get angry before allowing myself to admit weakness. And then I wonder where my joy is....sigh. PTL He promises to keep working on us!

Maybe you could ask your PT about prenatal yoga. It was a life saver for me when I was pregnant with #2 and made the difference between whether or not I had back pain and whether or not I got a good night sleep. Incredible! has a 20 min session you can download for free. I highly recommend it!

Family Snodgrass said...

I'm so sorry you're struggling with so much. You are still supermom, regardless of whether you put out paper plates! And you're looking for your strength on the right place!

whippetmom said...

:) Big hugs to you! You are such a wonderful mom and inspiration to me! It's hard to let go! I hope you get some relief from you back pain soon! I had it pretty bad while pregnant with Ellie but can't imagine it with 2 active little girls to chase!!

Kendall and Luke said...

"Grace, grace, God's grace. Grace that has pardons and cleanses within..." Our Lord and His grace...undeserving-yes, grateful-always!!

It's hard to hear friends you love so dearly have moments of breakdown, but we have all been there and know exactly (to some degree) how you feel. Praise the Lord for a husband who can see outside the box of life and help you to re-prioritize things.

I will be praying specifics for you this week! Sarah, your heart is so big and so sweet, you are an encouragement to me! be blessed this week and take it easy! much loves from the Hintons!!

j&bH said...

I am proud of you. For a lot of things. I love you. For a lot of reasons. Having experienced occasional break-downs the like of which you described, I can fully empathize. They are sporatic, but cleansing. I am glad you are asking and getting more help. You are certainly looking in the right place. Don't forget that you have an earthly ally willing to drive down & camp out in the Fave Cave if needed. :)

Much love to all of my Thomases!
-Your Mare (Fave)