These past few weeks have been unbelievably hard. As in, these have been the hardest few weeks of my life. In less than a month, our roller coaster ride has included two hospitalizations, one new family member, a two thousand dollar furnace, two new teeth, and a stomach virus. Add to that sleep deprivation, and you have an award winning recipe for despair.
The days have started to blur together. Between Phoebe and Nora, there is seldom a moment in the day when I'm not with one of them. Which is truly a wonderful thing, but I often find myself wondering: will I ever settle into a routine? Will this ever become normal?
I do a lot of wondering about our days to come. I look at the (clean) laundry covering every inch of the dining room table, and I wonder if I'll manage to put it away before we wear it all. As I consider suppertime, I wonder if I'll be able to get something that wasn't delivered or previously frozen on the table at a decent hour. As I watch Phoebe entertain herself with a basket of books, I wonder if I will ever be able to plan some "just us" time into the day. A lot of days, I wonder if I'll make it through the day without a lengthy, ugly cry.
If I look at these days to come, it is so easy for me despair. I don't easily see the hope for "normal" in these coming days. It honestly feels like we'll be in this survival, just-getting-by mode for, well, ever. My head knows that's not true, but it just doesn't feel that way, most of the time.
Friday (the 31st), I was reading Proverbs 31. I almost skipped it, because I really did not want to think about the Proverbs 31 woman that I so am not right now. (Okay, I don't resemble her when things are normal, either.) But as I read it, I was drawn to verse twenty-five:
"She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come." Proverbs 31:25
The days to come don't always look good. Not for me, not for you... not for anybody, really. But the thought that I can -- and should -- be strong and take a lighthearted approach to what's to come. Instead of dwelling on the frustrating things about what's to come, I'm trying to remember to look for reasons to laugh.
Have you laughed today?